INCORPORATING GENDER NEUTRAL LANGUAGE INTO YOUR VERNACULAR TO BE A BETTER ALLY

Reading time: 5 min

Many people are in the process of learning about how they can be more supportive of their LGBTQIA+ friends and family members. There are a lot of different elements to absorb, but today, we want to cover one that is often overlooked - the language we use.

Gendered language is a part of the way that many of us naturally talk, and it may not seem like a particularly big deal, but a lot of our words and phrases can be alienating for the LGBTQIA+ community. Finding ways to make our language more inclusive is an excellent way to show support for each other, rather than unintentionally alienating and othering those we care about.

Some people are dismissive of this and think that the gendering of language is inevitable or unimportant, but this perspective does a great disservice to both the community and to language itself. One of the beauties of language is its ability to evolve and develop as the needs of speakers change - and thus it’s perfectly possible to move toward more gender-neutral language that is welcoming and respectful of everyone.

Of course, it takes time to do this. Nobody is demanding an overnight change here. However, making the effort to assess the common words and phrases you use in everyday life and whether they are alienating is very valuable.

It’s important to recognize that this doesn’t just help the LGBTQIA+ community, but cis individuals too, because it discourages gender biases and creates an atmosphere of equality. The gender binary can be problematic for everyone and is often used to perpetuate harmful gender norms. Think about the “boys will be boys” language, for example, or the idea that girls are “bossy” while men are “leaders”! Nobody benefits from gender norms being reinforced by words, therefore; we all have a vested interest in creating a world where language is gender-neutral.

What are common gendered phrases?

It’s impossible to work on eliminating phrases from your everyday use if you’re not aware of them, so let’s start with a list of some of the commonest gendered phrases that are used in English-speaking countries. Beside each, you’ll find a gender-neutral alternative you can turn to.

  • Chairman - chairperson (this can be applied to all gendered jobs, e.g. policeman, mailman, fireman, etc.)

  • Come on, guys - come on, everyone/folks/people/amigos

  • Ladies and gentlemen - everybody

  • Both genders - all genders

  • Mothering - parenting

  • Maternity leave - parental leave

  • Pregnant women - pregnant people

  • Mankind - humankind

  • Son/daughter - child

  • Grandma/grandpa - grandparent

  • Niece/nephew - nibling

  • Sister/brother - sibling

  • Girlfriend/boyfriend - significant other, partner, spouse

  • Waiter/waitress - server

  • Mr/Mrs/Ms - Mx (or omit title and opt for full name instead)

  • Manpower - workers

  • Manned - crewed

  • Stewardess - flight attendant

  • Actor/actress - performer

  • Dude - friend, buddy

Of course, the list is much longer, but this should give you some idea of how gendered language creeps into our everyday world, and it will provide a starting place for moving to a more gender-neutral place.

It’s important to recognize that you don’t need to make all the necessary changes overnight. It’s often quite a lengthy process, gradually training your brain to eliminate the gendered phrases and find alternatives instead. It may feel a little awkward at first, but remember that effort is more important than perfection here. With repetition and practice, you’ll find that these phrases come more naturally!

What else can you do?

There are other things you can do, alongside eliminating the gendered phrases above. For example, defaulting to they/them when you don’t know somebody’s pronouns avoids the risk of misgendering and normalizes the use of this language.

Including your own pronouns when you introduce yourself, or in places like your email signature, can be a further sign of support and may make people more comfortable around you. You only need to do this when you feel safe, but it’s a great way to increase gender-neutral awareness and signal to others that you are an ally.

It’s also worth calling out gendered language when you see it if you feel safe doing so. You can do this politely and nicely; it doesn’t have to be a confrontation! Most people are learning how to be better allies, so opening up a dialogue about the best ways to make our language more gender-neutral is often useful.

The context matters a lot, of course. It’s particularly important to call out gendered language in workplaces and safe spaces, while you might not feel comfortable doing so with a stranger or distant acquaintance. That’s okay!

Finally, remember that it’s okay to make mistakes sometimes. Some people are deterred from trying to improve their language because they think it will be too hard or they’re too worried about making mistakes, but the truth is, none of us get this right all the time. We were brought up in a world that was highly gendered, and although efforts are being made to eliminate these categories, it takes time.

When you do make a mistake, the best thing to do is to apologize briefly, correct yourself, and move on. Don’t make a big deal out of it or berate yourself (even in your head). Simply choose the correct phrase and continue with your conversation. This will make the correction feel natural and allow everyone to continue with their lives.

Does it matter that much?

Knowing gender-neutral language is one thing, but actively using it is what truly makes a difference. It takes effort to change our language and police ourselves, and not everyone wants to make this effort. For that reason, a lot of people underestimate or downplay how much language matters... but language is absolutely fundamental to the ways in which we understand the world. It changes our perceptions and our beliefs. It can even alter who applies for jobs and the way that we treat each other.

Gendering language harms all of us because it creates divisions and “labels” us in ways that are often damaging. As part of the unlabeling project, we’re looking for ways to get rid of these divisions and become more neutral in all ways; so we’re very much on board with gender-neutral language, and always looking for new ways to include it in our everyday life.

Time to get hands-on!

Try a Gender-Neutral Language Challenge with your team to practice inclusive communication in real time. Set a 5-minute timer during a meeting or casual conversation where everyone consciously replaces gendered terms with neutral alternatives, like saying "hey team"  instead of "hey guys." Throughout the day, encourage teammates to catch and correct gendered language, making it a fun and supportive way to build awareness. At the end of the day or week, reflect as a group on which swaps felt natural and which required more effort.